Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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