i just had sex bonerless
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
