i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
