my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
