nut hugger
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
