Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
