I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
