Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
