he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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