1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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