I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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