Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
