yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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