Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I wish I only lived at night.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
