I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
