im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
