remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
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I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
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Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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