booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
