if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
