Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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