fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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