At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
