You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
