I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
