member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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