Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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