OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
