I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
