I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize