He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
