You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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