So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
