Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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