she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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