I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
