Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
