They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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