Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Sober January is a disaster.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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