the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
