when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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