I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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