Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
