I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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