i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
