I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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