I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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