OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
