Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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