That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
my liver is dry heaving
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
