I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
