im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
