does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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