Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
