I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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