Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
