I'm jealous of your bromance
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
