1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
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I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
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Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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