this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
