Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
