so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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