I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
