All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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